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[Inspired by (but not exactly a parody of) Tom Lehrer’s “Elements” song, which is itself a parody of Gilbert and Sullivan’s “Modern Major General” song.]

Since the Cleveland Browns came back to the NFL in ’99
The quarterbacks who’ve played for them form a very long depressing line–
There was a lot of optimism (I myself can vouch for it)
When the Brownies first came back into town and got Tim Couch for it.
Ty Detmer was a back-up that they had hired just to mentor him,
And Doug Pederson and Spergon Wynn, they both sometimes went in for him.
Kelly Holcomb got the job, then Garcia, Dilfer, and McCown
And before you knew it, Akron’s Charlie Frye was the newest Cleveland Brown.

But Charlie Frye was out and in his stead was Derek Anderson
Who briefly held off second-stringer Brady Quinn (Ohio’s native son.)
Both Bruce Gradkowski and Ken Doresy brief QB careers did enjoy
And then the job came down to either Jake Delhomme or Colt McCoy.
Wallace, Weeden and Thaddeus Lewis, they all came and went as well,
And then the starting job to veteran Jason Campbell fell.
But Campbell might as well have left his luggage packed up in the foyer
For soon, the Cleveland quarterback was a chap called Brian Hoyer.

Brian Hoyer didn’t last, and soon the Browns fans began to call
For the gridiron magician who was known as “Johnny Football”
But what worked at A&M doesn’t really work beside the lake–
And after starting Connor Shaw, the Browns admitted their mistake.
Josh McCown was signed, but he didn’t play for them for very long,
And Davis, RG III and Kessler form the coda of this song.
Kizer’s next to be the starter–a rookie out of Notre Dame,
And now we’ll sit and wait to find out who’s in after next week’s game!

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Ok… check this out.

“My new blog project
online dominatrix affordable bras butterfly on flower tattoo

[link removed because duh]

feminist economic theory free games online for girl political ideology define women in islamic society french maid plus size material shops in cape town wedding dresses glasgow dictionary for student”

This seems to be from a series of decidedly “adult” spam comments that I received lately.  But what’s up with that list at the end? It strikes me as a bunch of search terms strung together.

But that’s not near as good as what came next:

“You’re so cool! I dont suppose I’ve learned anything like this before.”

Now, this may not seem particularly funny… but the “name” of the “commenter” was “best psychic medium”.

Even better, then we have:

“Many thanks, I have been searching for info regarding this
subject matter for a long time and yours is the greatest I have discovered so
far.”

That’s from “free psychic call now”.  You wouldn’t have thought it would take psychics this long to stuff something out.

I was worried the psychics might get upset that I’m making fun of them, but then I realized they already knew I was planning to, so they must be ok with it.

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First of all, thanks are in order to loyal reader Natalie of boatsofoats.com. She notified me about a problem with the annotations on this page. I’m not even sure if I’ve completely fixed it yet, but I figure if not, I can at least make it up to her by directing some traffic to her excellent blog.

As for the annotations: I know nothing about HTML. But doing the original annotations for that page was not bad–it was just this:

<span text=”Whatever blithering comment I had”>Actual story text</span>

I then highlighted it in red to make it obvious which parts to mouse over.

But the problem was, it wouldn’t work on mobile devices–tablets, phones etc. And this bothered me. I tried to tell myself it was ok. But it was the sort of thing that would nag at me.

There must be a better way, I thought.

After consulting with a family member who does web design, downloading some plugins, and experimenting with CSS and JavaScript, I think I’ve got something.

Mind you, I said I think. I’m not actually sure if it works on all devices yet. It definitely works on my iPad, which it didn’t originally when I was just using HTML.

That’s where you come in. I am calling on readers to come to my aid and check out the page to see if the annotations work for them. In exchange…

Uh…

Let’s see,… I will teach you something about weird fiction from the 1890s?

How’s that sound?

Oh, another thing; some of the modifications I did seemed to (temporarily) play merry hell with the comments. (e.g. reducing my all-time comment count to zero, removing comment ‘likes’, stuff like that.) I think it’s fixed now, but if you notice any comment issues, let me know… unless the issue is that you are unable to comment, in which case you can use the form below or tweet at me

 

← Back

Thank you for your response. ✨

.

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So I started reading Paradise Lost by John Milton. But before I even got to the poem itself, there was this:

“The measure is English Heroic Verse without Rime as that of Homer in Greek, and of Virgil in Latin; Rime being no necessary Adjunct or true Ornament of Poem or good Verse, in longer Works especially, but the Invention of a barbarous Age, to set off wretched matter and lame Meeter; grac’t indeed since by the use of some famous modern Poets, carried away by Custom, but much to thir own vexation, hindrance, and constraint to express many things otherwise, and for the most part worse then else they would have exprest them. Not without cause therefore some both Italian and Spanish Poets of prime note have rejected Rime both in longer and shorter Works, as have also long since our best English Tragedies, as a thing of it self, to all judicious eares, triveal and of no true musical delight: which consists only in apt Numbers, fit quantity of Syllables, and the sense variously drawn out from one Verse into another, not in the jingling sound of like endings, a fault avoyded by the learned Ancients both in Poetry and all good Oratory. This neglect then of Rime so little is to be taken for a defect though it may seem so perhaps to vulgar Readers, that it rather is to be esteem’d an example set, the first in English, of ancient liberty recover’d to Heroic Poem from the troublesom and modern bondage of Rimeing.” [All the typos are in the Wikisource text, and I assume are as found in some original.  I think they are due to the fact that English spelling had not yet been standardized.]

Clearly, Milton was not a fan of rhyming. Or rimeing.

I think it’s sort of funny that he started out his Biblical epic by kvetching about rhyme and meter. I like to imagine that some poor sap saw a draft of Paradise Lost and asked, “Why doesn’t it rhyme?” And it set Milton off.

I particularly enjoy the “It may seem so perhaps to vulgar Readers” bit. That’s brilliant!  I think I’m going to put a disclaimer at the start of all my writing from now on: “Readers, if you don’t like this, it means you’re stupid. It’s a work of genius.”

Paradise Lost may be a great poem, but I think it’s fair to say English rhyme is still going strong in spite of Milton’s objections.

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Earlier this year, I set up a YouTube channel to post recordings of me reading fiction, poetry and miscellaneous other videos.

I don’t get a lot of views, but today I received a spam comment on this video that was even funnier than any I ever got here at WordPress:

Hey, A Ruined Chapel by Moonlight! I love your video! Keep it up. 🙂 I want to start making YouTube videos soon, too. [Link to Patreon page here, removed for obvious reasons] It would be so great if you could support me with a dollar to get things started because I need equipment for my videos. There’s no need to feel bad if you can’t, I still think you’re great and I wish you the best for you and your channel. This comment will be marked as spam because of the link, I’m sorry about that. Peace & Love, [Name withheld, again, obvious reasons]

Now, I am all for helping fellow YouTubers who are down on their luck. I might even have done it, too, except that despite the person’s professed love for my video, they didn’t bother to actually “like” it. My feeling is that if they couldn’t be bothered to do that, I really can’t pay them a dollar.

Am I too harsh?

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When I was a lad, I used the family video camera to make all sorts of crazy movies.  I wanted to be the next George Lucas or Steven Spielberg.

Naturally, being a young boy, my preferred genre was action/adventure. My main stylistic influences were Star Wars, The Terminator, and the James Bond movies. (Yes, I know I had no business seeing those so young, but there it is.)

I had several long-running series that I added to whenever I could get the camera and a new tape. (For readers under the age of 25: tapes were something that we used back then to record data.)

There was the “James Monkey” series–a collaboration between me and a friend which starred us as members of an elite secret agent team led by a toy monkey, whom we dubbed “James” for the parallel with James Bond.

Then there was the “Secret Agent Boy” series, which starred just me as an elite secret agent who operated alone, against enemies who were either invisible or strongly resembled plastic Halloween skeletons. (I was an only child.)

But my most elaborate series was a convoluted stop-motion epic I made using pretty much all of my action figures and other toys.  It was a franchise crossover-laden multiverse, involving figures from Star Wars, The Terminator, Metal Gear Solid, Pokémon and many other random figures I had, led by the unlikely duo of Huckle Cat and Lowly Worm, from the Richard Scarry Busytown series.

(Some background: Huckle and Lowly were my favorite characters as a little kid. Naturally, I read all the books and then asked my Dad to make up new stories involving them.  Dad’s stories were typically a darker take on the Richard Scarry canon–for example, one involved Huckle and Lowly running away to join the French Foreign Legion.)

The point here is, if you were wondering at what point in my life I first started creating weird fiction, the answer is “pretty early”. In fact, looking back, I realize nothing I’ve written as an adult is half as weird as some of the stuff I dreamed up when I was 10 years old.

Anyway, the reason I bring all of this up is that the other day I happened to find an old box with DVDs of my movies.  Most of them are too long and too incoherent to post in full, but I found a few sections that I thought I’d share for your amusement.

The first is a car chase scene.  If you can’t tell–and I’ll be very surprised if you can–what’s supposed to be going on is that a bad guy shoots out the tires on our heroes’ car, causing it to flip over and skid off a ramp–but not before it crashes into said bad guy.

I was so proud of those special effects when I was a kid.  Hours of work for a few seconds of absurdly incomprehensible screen time.

The second clip is the opening title sequence to the same movie. (I’ve blurred the credits to avoid embarrassing any family members.) It’s called “Dr. Maybe”, because all my movie titles were parodies of Bond film titles. Also, to explain the first title card: the Buhwumbabumbas were another invention of my Dad’s–a warlike species of aliens who would frequently invade Earth to steal our supplies of their most prized commodity: baked beans.

Once again, this is probably totally mystifying to anyone who isn’t me.  It’s supposed to depict the Buhwumbabumba ship landing on Earth. How I ever thought it actually conveyed that is beyond me.

One thing I am still proud of is that musical score.  Composed by me–a person with no musical talent or training whatsoever–using my electronic keyboard.  Maybe I’m crazy, but I think it holds up pretty well.

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It’s been a long time since I checked the spam comments folder to see what sort of hilarity is in there.  Let’s see what we’ve got…

“I truly love yoour blog.. Veery ice colors & theme.

Didd yyou develop this amazing ssite yourself? Please resply bac ass I’m hopin too creeate mmy oown personal blog annd wanjt tto fid ouut were yyou got tis frdom oor wat tthe theme iss named.
Kudos! I have beedn bowsing on-line greater tgan threse houurs
thes days, yyet I never foujd aany fascinating article
liie yours. It iss lovely valkue suffdicient forr me.
Personally, iif all webmasters annd blogyers mae excellent conttent materioal ass yyou probably did, thhe interbet wil probably bee muh more useful than evber before.
Hi, I do tuink this is a grea website. I stumbledupon itt 😉 I aam goijng too ccome back yeet atain siknce I bookmarkwd it.
Moneey annd freedom iis tthe bbest waay tto change, may youu bee ridh
and contjnue too hlp others.”

The cheeldren of the night. Vhat music they make!

“People really does a lot more than visitors’ expectations. Many thanks with regard to render these types of valuable, trustworthy, edifying as well as trendy applying for grants this issue to help Kate.”

This mixture of the generic spam and the oddly specific ending is a little unsettling.  I hope whatever Kate needed wasn’t serious.

“all the time i used to read smaller content that also clear their motive, and that is also
happening with this piece of writing which I am reading at this time.”

Keep me informed.

“I’ll immediately grasp your rss as I can’t in finding
your email subscription link or e-newsletter service. Do you’ve any?
Please let me recognize so that I could subscribe. Thanks.”

Never grasp the rss on a first date.

“The most clear career selection as a graduate of a Masters
in Hospitality Management degree would be to take on a management function in the hospitality sector.”

Actually, this may not be spam.  It could be my old college career advisor.  Their advice was about as useful.

“Oh my goodness! Amazing article dude! Thanks, However
I am having troubles with your RSS. I don’t
understand the reason why I cannot subscribe to it.
Is there anybody having identical RSS problems? Anyone that knows the solution will you kindly respond?
Thanx!!”

I dunno… I hear Kate has some problem. Could be related to grasping her RSS.

“It’s remarkable to visit this web page and reading the
views of all mates on the topic of this article, while I am
also eager of getting familiarity.”

Look, I believe in taking it slow.

“Frequently also endowed using a positive, outgoing character. Double Virgo: Aug 23 – June 1 With a powerful need to repeatedly check specifics – this double Virgin basically enjoys the constant search for brilliance. To others they often times seem to be in constant action. An incredibly realistic, but bold form Virgo. Relatively of a social climber, they logically operate their approach up any hierarchy they’ve their views fixed on. Virgo + Taurus: Sept 13 – September 22 Consequently they tend to worry significantly less than one other two decantes. Functional to the primary and not one to be lured into routes of fancy. Dual Libra: June 23 – Oct 2 An energetic social existence of some type is crucial for this decante. A sense of justice is inborn, they have minor patience for those that donot follow the guidelines of the terrain. It is a cooler sort Libra, there is more emphasis placed on creating the intelligence. A liking for bigger events is present. Being a part of a bunch or membership can also be important for them. An extremely chatty Libra decante indeed. People skills are highly developed, acquiring buddies is straightforward for this 1. This sort includes a sturdy requirement for a spoken outlet. Dual Scorpio: Oct 24 – Nov 2 Able to determine other’s celebrities in a heartbeat.”

I’m a Leo, so this is of no use to me. Perhaps it will help Kate.

“You won’t eel any cravings forr an extenred time and you will be capawble to avoid any etra calories.
Don’t try to find it in a single “magic” pill contrived by modern medicine.”

I won’t. Certainly not after what happened to Kate.

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By now, you all have probably heard about the huge screw-up at last night’s Academy Awards. Due to a mix-up with the envelopes, they accidentally read the wrong film title and said the Best Picture award went to La La Land when in fact it went to Moonlight.

I’m not saying that it doesn’t make the show’s producers and the firm involved with managing the envelopes look like idiots.  It totally does.  They appear utterly incompetent.  I don’t understand how such a mistake could even be possible.

But that doesn’t really matter.  Because as stupid as it makes them look, it was also fascinating to watch.

If done competently, an award show is boring.  Somebody gets presented with an award, comes on stage, thanks everyone they know, leaves the stage, and then the process repeats.  Dull stuff.

It might be interesting if there were more uncertainty about the winners beforehand, but thanks to the internet, people usually have a pretty good read on who or what is going to win.  (For example, everyone knew going in that the winner of Best Picture would be either La La Land or Moonlight.) Plus,most people only care about a few categories–acting, directing and picture. The rest are just filler as far as most viewers are concerned.

But seeing this was dramatic. It was interesting to see the La La Land people get so excited, only to have to give the award to the Moonlight people. “The thrill of victory and the agony of defeat”, as they say, in the space of a few minutes.

And then there was the fun of gradually piecing together just how they botched this so badly. It was a mystery thriller, full of intrigue–what did Warren Beatty know, and when did he know it?

Now people will want to watch the Oscars more than ever.  They will want to see if there is going to be another ridiculous mistake.  It’s even better because of the precise nature of the mistake–that it was only rectified after the erroneously-named winners were making their speeches. From now on, people who saw this show will think, “Yeah, they said X won, but I remember La La Land in 2017! Who’s to say that some producer won’t come running in to change it?”

This mess made the Oscars interesting again. Now everyone is going to wonder who really won. And that makes for a more compelling viewing experience, which in turn means higher ratings, which in turn means more ad money.

As the saying goes, that’s showbiz!

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I posted an excerpt from this last year.  Lately, another bit of it has been running through my head.  It was my G&S-ified depiction of the scene where Palpatine declares himself Emperor, set to the tune of Ludwig’s song, “A Monarch Who Boasts Intellectual Graces” from The Grand Duke. (Note that throughout, “republican” and “democratic” are used in the general sense of political concepts, not the present-day parties in our own galaxy.)

Enjoy!

****

PALPATINE:

Oh, the Chancellor who uses emergency powers

Will gain, if he’s smart, a good deal of support.

      He can speak to opponents without getting glowers

 And won’t have any need to lie or distort–

You know, I am sure, in these perilous hours,

That though a sep’ratist danger still towers

And threatens this Senate of ours,

  I know of a plan that will make ‘em abort!

Oh! My motto is “safety;” I’m not a daredevil,

And while I rule here, we will all be secure.

With a powerful Emp’ror, who’s quite on the level,

Republican principle may long endure!

CHORUS:  

Oh! His motto etc.

PALPATINE:

When rule democratic simply fails to succeed;

And Congressional meetings are just a mess–

An Emperor clearly’s the thing that you need

To at once set ev’rything right in Congress!

With no more long meetings progress to impede,

Improvements extreme we can make with all speed,

It’s easy to do, and I will do the deed—

              It’s done! And here’s to our having continued success!

 Oh! Our Galaxy nearly had gone to the Devil,

But I thankfully happened to know of a cure–

With a powerful etc.

CHORUS:   

Oh! Our Galaxy etc.

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Against my better judgment, I’ve posted an amusing (?) little trifle: it’s an attempted parody of High Fantasy that I wrote when I was 15 years old.  I found it the other day while looking through some of my old projects that I had set aside.

Nothing is stranger than revisiting something you did a long time ago.  People change over time, and so it can feel as if you are reading a brand-new author.  If I were a third-party, I would be quite baffled to find that the person who wrote this absurdity also wrote this. And now I am forced to confront the fact that not only did the same person write it, but in each case, I was the perpetrator.

Effectively, I might as well be a completely different person than the stuck-up teenager who first sat down to write thinking he’d be the new P.G. Wodehouse or W.S. Gilbert. And yet, presumably that teenager is still stored somewhere in my brain, although try as I might, I sometimes have difficulty summoning him to explain what he was thinking.

Anyway, that’s all a tangent.  Here is “The King”, or “What I Thought Was Funny At The Time”. Enjoy!