Roone Howard was the best strategist to ever write a political ad.
He could convince starving men that entitlements were bad;
He could make you self-disenfranchise to prevent voter-fraud;
It is said that he made the Holy Spirit believe there wasn’t a God.
If you employed him, your head would lie easy underneath of its crown;
Because he would lie easy to cut all of your challengers down!
But if you opposed him; then may Heaven have pity on you,
For he’d tell your fam’ly and friends you weren’t anything like who they knew.
Oh, no one likes to hear it said,
But he could paint McCarthy “Red”
If that’s what was needed to serve the empowered.
By stroking feelings barbaric,
Or stressing facts esoteric,
No one persuaded like that Devil, Roone Howard!
One day, his most prominent client, a National candidate, came to see him and ask
Him to set about working on what he reckoned a well-nigh impossible task.
His opponent, it seemed, was lovely and charismatic with a great reputation;
She wore her good deeds and record like armor against character assassination.
She spoke like a Cicero, and was quite incorruptible; her personal life was above suspicion;
While Howard’s client was deficient in every category but that of ruthless ambition.
So old Roone Howard set straight to work on how to stain and destroy and annihilate
The political chances of this candidate with the resume seemingly so inviolate.
For weeks on end did he toil,
Burning each night the midnight oil
As for any shred of a scandal he scoured.
But never even a trace
Of shamefulness or disgrace
Ever met the eye of the clever Roone Howard.
At last, just when all hope seemed utterly lost, Howard hit on an ingenious scheme.
He at once called a meeting to announce the whole plan to his political team.
“’As ours is a business that’s dirty and vile,” this political Clausewitz reasoned,
“A lady this good has no place in it–let it go instead to a man tough and seasoned.
This, gentlemen, I feel is a message which our cynical populace is bound to feel true!”
He proved to be right! In a matter of weeks, the lady in question up and withdrew.
Howard’s man could then run unopposed, and his targeted office he easily won;
Howard was given a government job, and the lady they’d beaten could find herself none.
O, Howard took comfort, I’m sure,
That he’d destroyed someone so pure;
And laughed at her whose votes his campaign devoured.
For even perfection complete
Couldn’t hope to compete
Against the devious mind of that scoundrel, Roone Howard!